Castiel and Dean's Infinite Playlist
by cloudsarefluffy
Summary: Dean works at a music store with Jo and Ash- people who he needs after a failed relationship occurs just the day prior. He's hungover and tired, and the last thing he needs is strangers coming in and- wait new employee? Who can that- oh... hello. M for later slash and all that. May contain triggers.
1. Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

****Author's Note: _**

**Alright- big updates you guys.**

**I am going on vacation this week and will have NO INTERNET. (How long will I survive?) Therefore, it'll be a MAJOR writing period. Besides, I think once I get to my little corner of the world words will just come to me. In that period of time I have several things planned.**

**1. I shall write the final ch. of wings. Congrats- it's going to be a long a smut filled ch.**

**2. I'm going to re-write What a Surprise because I read that shit and omfg, I changed so much and it's gotta do it too.**

**3. I'll finally get my other fic ideas either started/finished.**

**4. I shall finish this fic somewhere along the way- sorry for making you bitches wait. So sorry. ):**

**Songs are listed at the bottom of the fic.**

**ENJOY!~**

* * *

"I can't do this anymore."

The words strike Dean, like a hand that's relentless- he feels the sting, even though there's no contact and it's not even physical, "Benny- what are you saying? …"

"This isn't working out. Not like I thought it would, anyway."

"Benny…"

The other man shakes his head, "Don't call me that, Dean. I just can't be with you anymore- it's too constricting to stay."

"Constricting? … You're saying I'm holding you back or somethin'? What did I do?"

Dean stares at his soon to be ex-boyfriend sitting across from him, "You are restricting, Dean. I can't have sex with you at all- and it's been five months into our relationship now. I understand if you need time or a while to get us started, but I've given so much and I just can't stand staring at your back at night anymore Dean- I just can't. I haven't even gotten to see you naked, for christ's sake!"

"So you're going to leave me, just like that- like the past two years never happened between us because your dick matters more than anything else? Because it seems to me that it does!"

"I didn't mean it like that-"

"Than what are you trying to say, Ben?!" Dean glares, "That none of this matters- that I don't!? I'm sorry if it takes me a while to open up to people, or that I've got my reasons to take time to let you in- and I'm sorry if that's too much for you!"

Dean can't tell him why- can't tell him the reasons that keeps himself locked away. He's ashamed, disappointed at what he's hiding from Ben- but he just can't really tell him why because it's not so simple. Dean bites his lower lip to fight off his overbearing emotions, staring towards the floorboards and the dirtied tips of his socks, the situation and answer coming clear into his mind.

"So you're leaving me now, aren't you?…"

"I've already got my things packed- it'll be like I was never here. I promise."

Dean's voice shakes, his vulnerability flowing through his tone and he wishes it wasn't, "I'm not sure if that's going to be true."

Benny gets up, his mouth in a straight line and eyes soft, "I'm sorry it had to come to this Dean- I really am. But I've got to have feedback in my relationships- and it seems like a dead end with you. I tried, I did. I'm sorry."

"You just keep saying that- it doesn't mean you are. Just get the hell out, Ben…Please."

Dean keeps his head ducked, keeps his tears in until Benny's shoes stop scuffing the floor and the door shuts. He puts his face in his palms and gives a shaky breath to start the downfall of tears, cries because he's failed at yet another relationship- failed at something else in his life that was supposed to be simple. Dean feels like giving up hope, that no one will ever want him because he's so hard to pry open. That when someone sees how hard he's hidden himself away they won't dig because it's too much for them, too much effort for so little in return. He somehow stumbles to the fridge, grabbing a beer and popping it open as he drinks away his sorrows. He's got a morning shift at the music store tomorrow- but fuck it, circumstances rule over his rationality.

**...**

"How ya feelin', Dean?" Jo asks, her voice a little humorous and concerned at the same time, Dean doesn't know how she does it, "You look like shit."

It's about eight in the morning and Dean's got barely any sleep. He's sure he's got purple bags under his eyes that can make the shade of a grandma's purse fade with jealousy. Even then, as his head pounds in sync with the second hand on the clock, he's still able to remember what happened yesterday and it's awful. He's supposed to be drinking it away, not sitting here behind a counter waiting for someone to buy a CD. If they do.

"That's because I feel like shit and I'm hungover, Jo… Benny left me yesterday- out of nowhere."

Her face contorts into something that means she's going to try and comfort Dean, god bless, "Oh Dean- I'm so sorry… What happened?"

Dean takes another sip of his ginger ale, noises too loud and light too bright- he wants to be numb right now and he's too fucking sensitive, "He just told me we were through. Apparently, not having sex in the first five months of actually being together is too troublesome for him. He just got up and walked the fuck out. You're just seeing the aftershocks."

"He's an asshole."

"You don't need to tell me that, Jo- but thanks anyway, at least."

She smiles, her curly hair swaying as she turns. Jo's pretty- prettier than a girl who normally works at a music shop like this or any place most people drive past- but she's a sucker for old classic records just like Dean is. Except she's more of the Frank Sinatra and Elvis type. For Dean, it's the eighties bands and albums that he looks for in the vinyls- AC/DC, Led Zeppelin… the list goes on.

Dean hears the door ding open several times, and he secretly hopes today will just be a slow one so he can go home and drink himself away again, or have time to get over his damn hangover before he feels like he'll call it on life from the unrelenting headache he currently has. He's about to fall asleep on the counter when Jo calls him over.

"Dean!" she laughs a little as his elbow nearly buckles under him from the unexpected shout, "Ash has somethin' to show ya!"

Dean grunts, mumbling his way over and rubbing his forehead. He doesn't need movement right now- of the many listed activities he wished were gone at the moment. Ash snickers as Dean stops in front of him groggily. He's kind of a smart-ass sometimes, by that Dean means literally smart because he got into MIT and can give you a comeback that'll leave your tail between your legs- but that's rare and you've got to seriously upset him to do that. Either way, the sound of Ash's entertainment from his hangover makes him want to sock him if he could manage that kind of contortion without losing his balance or vomiting.

"I got some more vinyl Mr. Throwback. Found a garage sale down the road and found a bit of what we all like. Some fifties for the lady of the house! Some rock n' roll that's never quite dead for you! And sweet, sweet acoustic country gold for me!"

Jo and Dean groan. Ash is obsessed with country music- blares it out of his office labeled, "Dr. Bad-ass' Lair" that Jo and Dean decide shall remain unseen to them for the longest time possible. Either way, Dean's heard about over a hundred country songs because of Ash blaring them and they all just sound the same to him- it's quite annoying. Especially Ash's soft spot for Reba and Tim McGraw.

And just so you know, they call Dean Mr. Throwback because of all of the eighties stuff he's into. He's got a black Impala to boot, wears band themed t-shirts and always has a leather jacket on him. It was first Mr. Eighties but they apparently took a vote one day he was off and titled him with Mr. Throwback. Dean didn't understand why Jo wasn't saddled with something like that too, but he guesses she'd skin the lot of them if they called her anything other than her name and a few choice words that you'd call anyone else respectively; like school-safe pronouns you'd say to a stranger when you first meet them and are trying to make a good impression.

"Don't tell me you've got more of your idols' music…"

Ash smirks a little, brushing back some of his mullet like he just won the lottery or something else important, "Yeah- I did. If you two are bothered by that, it's fair I can listen to it because I have to hear you guys blare you shit all the time."

"Johnny Cash isn't shit!" Jo gasps while Dean retorts at the same time with, "Hey! I'll beat the hell outta you if you insult my music again. Even if I'm hungover!"

Ash laughs, "Hey- get your feathers unstuck- there's no need to rustle em'. Besides, I have another surprise."

"What is it?"

"New employee."

Dean tilts his head in utter confusion, "Why? We've already got a too big staff as it is. Why did Chuck hire someone else right now?"

Chuck's the manager or owner of _Stop N Shop-_ nobody can tell, nobody knows. Dean's rarely ever heard from him and has never seen him- and he's been working here the longest; since he was seventeen. That was six years ago- and within those he gained Jo and Ash and lost Benny. They've got as much idea of who he is as Dean does. It's only e-mails that hint to his existence, and they don't even know if he's actually real-real. It's a nagging doubt they all have and they take bets on certain possibilities of what he looks like. The jars are in the back with certain things labeled on them like 'hair' or weight', little slips of paper with guesses written on them wrapped around money. They don't know if it's just going to be easier to collect their money back and just let it settle, or keep it back there in hopes to win the jackpot somehow. They'll never decide or know.

"He wrote to me that we needed someone here with more 'modern tastes' in music. I told him I was more into this year- and he replied that country doesn't count."

Dean snorts and Jo laughs, her reply ringing with her giggle, "Glad to know the big guy agrees with us on your tastes- who is this new person supposed to be anyway?"

Ash shrugs, some strands of his mullet falling down, "I have no friggin clue. Chuck barely described him."

"We're getting another penis here- perfect. The vagina ratio is too low for my tastes…" Jo says under her breath.

Dean smiles at her words, "It's not too bad Jo- I'm sure we're going to hire another girl soon enough. We need someone who can do late shifts with me anyways- since you have work with Ellen and Ash has night classes. Chuck will get there eventually; somehow."

Jo works with her mom at the roadhouse a couple of blocks from the music shop- Ellen's got a tough time on her hands and if Dean could he'd help out. But he knows too many of the town drunks to work there, and not in a good way. His father, John, used to be best friends with them before he finally gave out and Dean hasn't seen them since. He wants to keep it that way. Ash has to take the night classes because he got suspended from campus for smoking and fighting- but Dean just finds it more amusing than anything.

In the end he's all by himself at night. Which is okay- sometimes.

There's a knock at the door and Jo tries to get it, meanwhile Ash smiles and drops his voice low, "You still think I gotta chance?"

"Nope."

Ash furrows his brow, "That was a little direct…"

"You asked- I answered. I'm going to tell you the truth and not lead you on dude, trust me, it's easier to just accept she's not interested than keeping yourself pressed onto her. She'll snap eventually and I'm going to laugh- and I'm going to be praying for you."

"Aren't you atheist?"

Dean huffs, "That's the point of the joke, Ash…"

He nods, "Oh- I see. Wow, I murdered that one for sure."

Dean's about to reply when his head turned towards the door to see who in the hell Jo let in. Dean finds his mouth stop working, eyes staying on the man who's smiling towards Jo- bright and white and so cheeky. Dean's heart flutters, a bit of heat creeping up his skin and Ash chuckles beside him. Dean sends him a glare, turning back to face the raven hair and almost neon blue eyes that are looking at him now. There's so much behind them, and Dean finds it a little hard to swallow.

"Hey! Welcome to stop _Stop N Shop!"_

He smiles again, Dean's knees shaking a little with the expression of perfection or maybe at the faint alcohol lingering in his bloodstream, "Thank you. I'm Castiel- the new employee."

Dean's mouth falls open a little and Ash nudges him in the ribs, "I heard about Benny from Jo before you nearly fell on your way over here- this means you're a free agent now. Go get him tiger, you deserve some fun."

"I just can't waltz up there!" Dean hisses a whisper, ignoring the scarlet coloring his cheeks and the fact Ash is making sexual innuendos with his fingers currently, "We don't even know each other- and there's a reason I'm fucking hungover Ash!"

"Does it matter- you can do whatever you want and no one can stop you from doing it. Benny was a horrible person for you anyways- I warned you from the start, that he'd use you for nothin' more than a quick, easy little tease. But you gave in- why? Because he wanted you and there's a difference between want and need. For once you've gotta go make yourself happy, Dean. Stand behind your own guns for once and pull the trigger! This man's already worth shootin' for, more so than any of the guys I've seen you set your sights on."

Dean glares at Ash for that for a moment, and if Castiel just hadn't arrived he'd be sure to knock out Ash's mouth if he could muster the strength through his hangover. Of course that's when Castiel decides to visit them and comes over. Dean bites his lip for a moment, finding anything to occupy his time so he doesn't have to interact with him while he feels like puking. He quickly starts rearranging CD's nearby alphabetically while Ash makes his eyebrows dance.

"Don't look now Dean," Ash says in a low hushed voice, "but your prince charming is about to come raid your castle."

Dean nearly chokes- to which Ash says will happen later, only to get a blushing glare from Dean- when Castiel walks over, eyes brimming as he looks at Ash and then Dean; gaze lingering for a moment and then returning to Ash.

"You must be Ash right, the one Chuck told me had horrible taste in singers?"

Dean can't help but snort as Ash picks his jaw off the floor, "Wow- can't a guy get any lovin' around here, country ain't bad. It's like caramelized sugar runnin' over ya-"

"Ash, stop. I'm still hungover remember? I don't need to picture you rubbing that on yourself and listening to that tractor song you can't seem to get off repeat." Dean blurts, before realizing what he said. He can hear Castiel chuckle from behind him- it's perfect- as he goes back to fixing CD's he usually avoids.

"That's not my fault Dean…" Ash sighs, "So, Castiel. How did the big guy ever get you down here?"

Castiel shrugs in the reflection Dean's getting from the plastic on some sign in front of him, "He's my dad."

Jo, Ash, and Dean all cough awkwardly at the same time in surprise.

"Wait- the all time illusive man of the house has a son- and that's you?" Ash says incredulously, "You've got to be fucking joking."

"Is there something wrong?"

Jo walks up then, and Dean is silently thankful because she can always handle people way better than Ash can, "No it's just we never even seen the guy- not even Dean-o over here, and he's been working for the longest time at this place."

Castiel then turns his attention to Dean, and Dean starts silently cursing Jo now for making him interact when he feels about as good as the rusty lemon sitting across the street looks, "Really? You've never seen him?"

"No-" Dean turns around, letting his weight sit against the music stand instead of his uncertain footing, "I haven't. Not yet, at least… I'm supposed to see him sometime, right? Wait- we've had some things running on this for some time, can you tell us what he looks like?"

Jo and Ash suddenly perk up and smile, saying 'oh yeah' at the same time.

"Sure."

Dean smiles suddenly, "First things first- we all made bets on what he looks like an all that. We've only had e-mails and our imagination to go on so give us some credit for trying. Jo- get the clipboard and hand it here."

The clipboard-_ the_ clipboard. The one item list they have they keep hidden away and only interacted with when a new theory on Chuck was proposed. When it meets Dean's hands, he remembers the late summer evening when Ash was a little high- maybe all of them were, it was a long day and dammit Dean was not even twenty then- and Jo had just started there a few weeks prior when they had an idea. It was how the bets started, and how the clipboard came into creation. Dean smiles because it feels like just the other day he was scrawling together their list while they awaited chinese take-out and laughed at a semi parked across the street.

"You guys actually did that. I thought he was joking."

"Wait-" Dean pauses, looking up from the old paper, "you mean he knows about this?"

Castiel smiles, Dean's throat going a little dry and his palms start getting clammy, "Yeah, he thinks it's funny. He knows a lot about you guys."

"Well I feel violated…" Ash mumbles, and Dean wants to agree but realizes that Chuck is probably listening or doing whatever he apparently did to know this much already, so he stops himself in the last second before no return.

Castiel laughs at that, something that makes Dean smile giddily at the clipboard as his low voice rumbles, "That's a way to define it. But I'm sure you are all a little tired of waiting to know what my father looks like."

They all perk at that again, waiting as Castiel begins, "Medium height, thin, light beard or scruff, blue eyes, brown and gray hair, voice higher than mine, and he thinks the nickname Chuckster is pushing it Ash."

Jo and Dean laugh, Ash crossing his arms and whispering, "I thought it was pretty kick ass…"

"Alright Dean-o, who got what right?"

Dean looks at the list and the new formed checks he's made, "Ash gets the facial hair, Jo you got the voice and height correct, I got everything else."

Jo smiles, "Well damn Dean, leave some winnings for some others!"

Dean laughs alongside her, "I never would have gotten the voice right."

"Really?" Castiel asks, Dean suddenly remembering he's there again, "What did you think he sounded like?"

"I dunno…" Dean's voice goes a little quiet, "Batman, maybe?"

They all laugh, especially Castiel, which surprises the hell out of Dean. He just smiles and joins in alongside him. After the day and night he just had, he deserves a little laugh and a few extra bucks in his pocket. They walk into the back, Dean fishing out the jars they'd thought they'd never collect from. Turns out in the end he's got about fifty dollars in his wallet and well- that's always a welcomed thing. Jo gets about twenty and Ash gets ten, yeah seems just about right. In the end, Jo and Ash elect themselves- Dean doesn't know if they've got some plan forging itself into their brains, he'll never know- to fetch lunch and Dean agrees to it. A free lunch can't be argued with.

Besides, he might want to spend a little alone time with Castiel anyways…

As he watches Jo and Ash get inside of the little Ford Jo owns and drive away, he can't help but feel those blue eyes boring into him. He turns, seeing Castiel sitting at one of the stools behind the counter and watching Dean intently.

"So… your dad, huh?" Dean begins the conversation smoother than he anticipated, "What made him decide to have you work here?"

"Yeah… He wanted me to get a job close to home and all, since I'm going to be staying for a bit here until I get my plans figured out. It just seemed natural to come and work here, and a little expected too. Besides, I like music way more than making someone a bag of fast food."

Dean smiles, "Spoken like a true music lover."

There's a grin in return to Dean's, "That's because I am. What kind of music do you like?"

"Eighties, mostly. You ask me what type of album is out there, I probably have it. It's one reason I work here- that and they still sell cassettes."

"You buy those, why?"

Dean points to his baby sitting out front, "That right there- is mine. She's a 67' Chevrolet Impala. Can't let her go around without some kickass music, can I?"

Castiel seems to like her, "She's nice- my dad's fond of her. He said someone here had a really nice classic muscle car. Can't say I'm surprised that it's you."

"What makes you say that?"

"I guess it just seems you." Castiel shrugs.

"So you already know me then?" Dean smirks, grabbing one of the pens from a nearby retired coffee cup as he starts to scribble to see if it works.

Castiel shifts on his stool, "In a sense, I guess. You know how sometimes you just see a person, and all of the sudden you want to know them? Their lives, backstories, hardships… What smell reminds them of home or what they think about when they can't sleep at night. Things like that?"

Dean pauses, brows furrowing, "I think so… What's your point?"

"What I'm trying to say is- well-" Castiel looks away for a moment, biting his lower lip as Dean turns a little on his stool to see him better, the silence growing a little as Castiel chooses his words, "I kind of have that with you. I don't know why really, it's just I look you and- well I want to know you. More so than I usually do with people."

Well… that was unexpected.

"So you're saying that you want to know me?" Dean asks, watching as Castiel nods slightly, still looking away in embarrassment, "Huh- well thanks dude. But what do you mean by, 'more so than I usually do'?"

"I'm not a fairly social person…" Castiel admits, "I've had past incidents where I've had trouble connecting to people. The whole talking with strangers and making friends trait- well, I never clicked. I guess I could say I got that from my father, considering he doesn't leave the house much anymore… But the point is, people and I have never really mixed well together."

"Like water and oil."

Castiel smiles slightly, "Similar to it, yes."

Dean focuses on his pen rather than looking at Castiel as he scribbles some more, "It's okay- I guess I'm the same way. It's just, my dad and I never got along, so I know what it's like to not connect to something when you're supposed to."

"I'm sorry Dean."

"For what? It was nothing you did." Dean shrugs, "Besides, the past is the past. I'm here and making it now and that's all that matters, really."

Castiel smiles, "That's a good way to look at it."

"I try."

Dean hears a chair get pulled up beside him and suddenly Castiel is right there, his forearm brushing Dean's as he settles down next to him, Dean feel like his lungs can't expand as Castiel speaks, "You said you were hungover, why?"

"I- I-" Dean clears his throat, "I had a rough day yesterday…"

Castiel ignores the stutter, "I'm listening."

"It's nothing really. Nothing you should be worried about. I'm sure you don't care anyways…"

Castiel's hand sets itself on Dean's shoulder, Dean tensing a little as Castiel practically whispers, "It's something if it makes you go get drunk, and it does worry me. That's because I care."

Dean sighs in a little bit of defeat, "It was my now-ex yesterday. Just walked out on me, says I wasn't giving them enough sexual stuff in the relationship."

"Asshole… How long were you two together?"

"Well- technically two years, but we had only been actually dating five months. He used to work here."

Castiel pauses, "He?"

_Fuck._

"Yeah umm…" Dean shifts a little, Cas' hand still lingering on his shoulder, "I may be solely into guys… Hope you don't mind…"

"No I don't it's just-" Castiel removes his hand, but instead seems to move closer to Dean, "I wasn't expecting that."

Dean looks at him, "So you're not… bothered by it, or anything?"

Castiel laughs and shakes his head, "Why would I be? I'm a weird mixture of asexual and bisexual. Maybe pans when I'm drunk enough."

They laugh at that, hope growing in Dean's chest right when Jo and Ash return with food.

"We didn't know what you liked, so we went with the safe route and bought you a cheeseburger with ketchup, is that okay?"

Castiel smiles, "That's just fine, I love cheeseburgers."

_Well- bend me over a table and fuck me now- this guy is awesome. Dean thinks._

They eat, talking about anything among bites of greasy burgers and fries (Dean didn't know how hungry he was until the smell hit him) as time passed on slowly. Castiel mentioned more about Chuck, some bands he liked, but all the while he kept his eyes trained on Dean. Only Dean. It made the man feel as though maybe his liver was falling and he was turning highlighter yellow; because why would Castiel take so long staring at him? Something had to be wrong, right?

"Hey Castiel-" Ash starts up, Dean sinking into his chair because nine times out of ten Ash is fucking embarrassing or worse when he begins talking, "do you have anyone special? Someone you're pining over- or vice versa?"

Dean wants to disappear, Castiel looking a little surprised at the question but answering nonetheless.

"Not particularly, no. I'm not really one for relationships- unless-" he quickly adds, "I think someone's really worth it."

Well, it seems like Dean's battleship isn't completely sunken yet.

Just depended on if Castiel's next words was the lucky guess, then that torpedo would rip right through the hull and sink any type of chance Dean had or wanted with the guy straight into disappointment. What a bummer…

"You- single?" Jo snorts.

"You act as though it should be labeled otherwise."

She swallows some of her drink, "Well, yeah. I hope this doesn't sound like I'm coming onto you or anything- because I'm not- you just seem like the kind of guy every girl wants to snatch up. Like they have a notebook with your name written a thousand times littered in hearts."

Dean laughs at that, and when everyone looks at him he quickly realizes they were wondering why, "Oh- my brother had a girl who did that once. Her name was Becky or somethin'."

"Really?" Castiel almost laughed right there, "What was she like?"

"Insane to say at the least. I came home one day after school- Sam was almost done with his last year of middle school when it happened- and there he was, on the couch with some notebook opened in his lap. He was staring at the damn thing looking like he saw a ghost or somethin'. When I walked over, all I could see was 'Sam and Becky; true love forever' written so many times she had literally pushed through the paper. She'd apparently been stalking him since the beginning of the year; the reason Sam knew was she had gotten caught writing fan fiction about them being together."

They all look petrified as Ash speaks up, "Did he get a fucking restraining order on her?"

Dean shakes his head, "Didn't have to- she moved like the next day. Her parents had apparently found out about her obsession and went to set her straight and narrow."

"I bet your brother was… relieved." Castiel then looks at Dean, "What is he like?"

"Sammy?"

Jo smiles, "Yeah- you always mentioned him but never told us exactly what he's like."

Dean bites his lip for a moment, "Well- Sammy is smart- real smart. He somehow got himself into Stanford on a full scholarship and is apparently living it up in California with his girlfriend Jess. Dude's tall, about six and a half feet on a bad day, and hair that is almost as long."

"He has six feet of hair?" Jo leans back in fear.

"Alright- not that long exactly, just… too long. Past or around his shoulders."

Jo makes a sigh of relief and tells Dean to go on, "He loves plaid shirts, salads, and books. I forgot how many times I used to walk past his room and he was reading out of one. I swear he read every single thing they had to offer at the school's library. But the best about him, is that he's always been there, you know? Like whenever things got rough or not exactly TV show quality, he'd be there for me. He always was."

Ash takes an awkward swig of his beer- like he usually does when people bring up emotional things- while Jo and Castiel are paying close attention, Jo leaning on her elbow as she says, "Sounds like you two were really all you had…"

"We kinda were." Dean pauses for a moment, debating if he should tell them and guessing that it probably won't harm anything, "My mom died when I was four, Sam only six months at the time. My dad kind of drifted from us then onward. He died soon after I graduated and it was just Sam and I until he left for California."

Jo comes over for some reason and gives Dean a hug, "I'm sorry that happened Dean."

Dean hugs her back and replies in a confused tone, "Thanks- but I don't understand why you're apologizing. It wasn't your fault and it was a long time ago to boot."

"Still doesn't mean that it isn't bad, Dean."

Dean remembers that Castiel is there again- seeming like he always forgets the dude whenever his mind offers refuge- his blue orbs watching Dean carefully. Dean clears his throat while Jo's arms are still snaked around him and Ash watches nearby with his head hanging. Dean doesn't know if it's because he wants Jo hugging him or this is too emotional for him to handle right. Jo lets go then, giving a small smile before grabbing Ash's arm- much to his and Dean's surprise- and leading him to the back. Castiel watches them leave and waits till he and Dean are alone.

"Dean…" Castiel begins, "I never would have guessed that happened to you."

"It's fine. I couldn't control it as much as you could. Things happen- just gotta learn to roll with it."

Castiel smiles, "I guess you do."

Dean returns the facial expression, "What's your favorite band?"

"I like too many to be specific." Castiel shrugs, "I'm open to anything that sounds good."

"So you don't mind this?"

Dean walks over to the record player, sliding in one of his special albums onto it and letting it spin. It starts as static, Dean about to put the needle down when he feels Castiel's breath softly on his neck. Dean only stiffens for a moment, then putting the needle down and letting the music start. The strums come through and instantly Dean's smiling.

"This song, really?" Castiel laughs.

"Of course! AC/DC is amazing!"

Castiel laughs again as Dean sings, "_She was a fast machine, she kept her motor clean, she was the fastest damn woman that I ever seen!"_

Castiel laughs harder.

"_She had sightless eyes, telling me no lies, knockin' me out with those American thighs!"_

Dean starts bobbing his head, just working around behind the counter as the song continues. Castiel just seems to be content on watching him.

Dean spins around at the right time, pointing to Castiel and shaking his hips as he sings, "_You- shook me all night long! Yeah you- shook me all night long!"_

Castiel laughs for a moment, smiling widely as Dean just keeps singing and moving random stuff around behind the counter. He keeps his head propped up by his hand, elbow resting against the counter as he sits comfortably on his stool watching Dean sing again.

"How about some Def Leppard?" Castiel suddenly asks, getting up suddenly as the song ends.

Dean can't complain, "Yeah sure- record's right there."

Dean's busy fixing a ripped catalogue card when all of the sudden Dean notices the song.

"This one- never pegged you for the type Cas."

"I said I liked what sounded good."

Dean laughs, "Reminds me of what Ash said earlier…"

Castiel chuckles, "Of course it would. Thank you for the mental images."

"You're welcome." Dean winks.

The both hum the lyrics together, letting the music go over their voices until the chorus appears.

"_Pour some sugar on me! Oh- in the name of love!"_

Dean laughs as Ash and Jo come into the room, smiles wide on their faces as they hear the song. Castiel just keeps humming, grabbing a sheet of paper and writing on it with a pen. Ash walks up to the counter, Jo in tow.

"May I make a suggestion?"

"I'll decide if I shall listen to this suggestion and act upon it." Dean watches with a satisfied grin as Ash's brows furrow.

Ash clears his throat, "How about some slow songs?"

Castiel suddenly blurts, "Hey- that sounds like a good idea."

"What slow songs?"

"I've got some!" Jo jumps up to the counter, her face glowing with a wide smile, "It pays off when you listen to the classics."

Dean rolls his eyes playfully, "Alright Jo- what would you like to play?"

Jo hands over a CD, "This right here. Track number three. Trust me."

Dean looks at her to the disc and transitions for a moment, then goes over and stops the record that's still playing and goes over to the CD player. He's unsure if this has to do with Ash and Jo's little plan he knows their forming- but decides that he'll only be acting like a dick if he calls them out on it. Besides, he deserves a little fun- especially if Cas can help him with it.

Dean pops the CD in, going and skipping to the third song on the disc like Jo requested, hearing the soft strums of guitar start up with a beat. Dean gives it a few seconds, liking what he hears and smiling.

"Alright- not a bad choice Jo."

She smiles, "It's John Mayer- of course it's not a bad choice."

"I thought you were into the older singers…" Ash says incredulously, "What gave you the sudden need to look at something recent?"

"Hey- I'm not a hundred percent into the olden days, alright? A girl's gotta have some variation somewhere… Besides, listen to him- he sounds good."

"_It's not a silly little moment,_" the song plays, "_It's not the storm before the calm. It's the deep and dying breath of- this love that we've been working on._"

Dean smiles, and suddenly Cas is in front of him, holding out his hand, "May I have this dance?"

"Uhh- sure." Dean grasps the hand outstretched to him, following Cas out onto the floor.

It's a little after nine now, the sun already left and the moon taking up its attendance. The old Christmas lights they've had hanging in the place for years are lit up warmly, causing Cas' face to just- glow. Dean bites his lip, feeling Cas place a hand on his waist while another intertwines it's fingers with his. Dean smiles, resting his one free hand on Cas' shoulder as they begin to sway.

"_We're going down- and you can see it too- we're going down, and you know that we're doomed. My dear we're, slow dancing in a burning room._"

Cas is smiling, "You're pretty good at this. You ever slow danced before?"

"No…" Dean admits sheepishly, looking towards his hand interlocked with Castiel's, "Can't say I have."

Cas spins them a little, Dean seeing Jo and Ash watching them. Jo's currently got both of her hands forming a heart as she mouths the lyrics, Ash pelvic thrusting the air in tune to the beat. Both of them- to say at the very least- make Dean blush. Dean mouths 'shut the fuck up' to them before Cas pulls him back and there's no one else but him. Dean smiles again, forgetting about Ash literally having sex with air not too far away and Jo looking like a friend who found out his crush.

"So I'm your first then?"

Dean nods, "Yeah- I guess you are."

Cas smiles, and next thing Dean knows his lips are softly getting pecked by Cas. Dean forgets how to think, to breathe, only stiffens against those lips for a fraction of a second before returning the gesture. He snakes his arm from Cas' shoulder to rest at his neck, feeling the soft downy strands give way to his fingertips. Cas pulls back then, smiling widely- Dean trying to ignore the wolf whistle from Jo or Ash, he can't tell.

"You're my first kiss."

Dean blinks, "Really?"

"You sound surprised."

"Well," Dean looks away, blush creeping up his skin as Cas' hand tightens a little on his waist, "with how amazingly charming you are I'd thought I'd be the thousandth person to kiss you."

Cas grins at that, pulling Dean one more time up to his mouth and chuckling against Dean's lips as he squeaks, then pulls back and says, "Well now you're my first and second."

Dean nods then bites his lips, remembering that he was just in a relationship yesterday- one where Benny left him because he couldn't sleep with him, one that made him drunk till the sun came up and vomit in the bathroom for the rest of the time- and realizing that makes him push Cas away a bit.

"I- I'm sorry…" Dean looks at the floor rather than Cas' more than likely confused eyes, "I can't. I just- not after Benny just walked out on me; I'm not ready for this yet."

Cas starts to say something, but all Dean hears is the music playing as the door shuts behind him. The engine to his Impala revs to life, Dean whipping out of the parking lot and driving faster than the speed limit so he can get those lights and lips far from his mind.

Well- at least he tries to.

* * *

**I'm sorry?**

**Songs: _**

**1. You Shook Me All Night Long - AC/DC**

**2. Pour Some Sugar On Me - Def Leppard**

**3. Slow Dancing in a Burning Room - John Mayer**


	2. Everybody Hurts Sometime

****Author's Note: _**

**-THIS CH. MAY BE TRIGGER CAUSING, SORRY IF THIS BOTHERS YOU. READ AT OWN RISK.-**

**Sorry this took so long you guys- just ugh. Writing's hard. ):**

**At least I updated, right?  
Either way I don't think this fic will be too long, and it should end in the next few ch.'s. Life's a little busy for me right now (I'm dealing with a shitty teacher and her drama so I'll see how that works out.) and it may be a while before I update again- I'm unsure- and either way I apologize for the inconvenience.**

**A lil' comforting and memories in this ch. so there you go!**

**Oh- and once I finish this fic I've got another on the way haha.**

**Songs w/ links are at the bottom as always.~**

**ENJOY!~**

* * *

"_When your day is long and the night, the night is yours alone._" the radio on Dean's bedside table crackles,_ "When you're sure you've had enough- of this life, well hang on._"

Dean grunts getting up and rubbing his whiskey-smelling skin with a rough palm. His whole body aches with having fallen off the bed and onto the floor, the small mat lying beside his mattress used as a makeshift blanket by a plastered Dean Winchester.

"_Don't let yourself go- cause everybody cries._" Dean starts pulling himself, grunting in discomfort at his sore muscles straining to reach the 'snooze' button that's so inconveniently far away, "_And everybody hurts, sometimes. Sometimes everything is wrong-_"

Dean's hand slams down on the button and silencing the song, silently cursing himself for ever letting himself unbox the alarm Sam bought him for his iPod instead of letting it fade away and collect dust in the back of a closet shelf. His head pounds, vague memories of last night and all that's happened filtering through another hungover haze. A small part of Dean hopes that maybe he had forgotten those memories, hissing angrily at the fact they were somehow able to resurface so early on.

"I gotta quit drinking..." Dean mumbles, shuffling to his bathroom.

The light buzzes faintly with the electricity above Dean's head as he brushes away the alcoholic morning breath out of his mouth and teeth. It's enough to sort of wake the man up, mouth now minty and brain matching the sound above- fuzzy, a little slow. Dean doesn't normally drink, those bottles having been bought by Benny to give himself and Dean a few opportunities to relax whenever they could. It's a little sour to know that not only did he leave Dean, he was also giving himself the choice to get himself drunk beyond the legal limit of alcohol levels.

Benny had been with Dean for two years before they furthered their relationship to the 'boyfriends' level. He had worked alongside Dean at the music store, and Dean remembers the very first day he had come in. It was a little bit of a slow spark, like a string was getting lit before the real thing went off- which took them about nineteen months after they originally met. Benny had no longer been working at Stop N' Shop for a while, having moved on to being an employee for some restaurant instead. He always got Dean free dinners and lunches, a good thing considering they never really had much money to live off of while together. Benny had been nice, helping Dean with issues left from his father.

And there were a lot.

Dean never told Sammy about how sometimes he had to physically deal with his father's alcoholic drug-like dependency, how bad John got addicted to the bottle and sometimes lashed out onto his eldest son to ease his roiling, untamed anger. There's scars faintly lining Dean's skin, marring his self-conscious image in the process. Benny had never known about that either- just that John had gotten terse and rough with Dean while under the influence of whiskey or vodka. The faint sounds of his shouting, his fists armed with broken bottles, his expression whenever John's eyes laid upon Dean just like his rage still plagued the man years down the road. It was a rough and unfathomable childhood, one Dean buried so deep in his brain sometimes he's able to convince himself that they were just nightmares instead of past memories.

How pathetic of himself…

Benny had left because of that, because Dean had shut everything out- including himself- that no one could get in. There was no lock to pick, no master code, no other entrance into the very complicated and scarred Dean Winchester. What you saw was about as far as you were going to get, because you were never allowed under the surface. In all honestly, Dean feels like he's trapped under a thin sheet of ice, pounding with his fists to break through but he never can. So he sinks instead, letting his emotions envelope him rather than fighting them. He guesses that's why he got drunk after Benny broke it off, after Cas kissed him, and why he just went as far as getting plastered again to top it off.

Dean Winchester is a fairly complicated man, and that's probably the most understated definition of it that you'll ever meet or conclude.

There's a buzzing on the small coffee table, Dean groggily looking down to see his cell vibrating with the screen alight. It's Jo- and she's calling him.

Dean decides to not pick up- instead sending a text that says, "_Srry, not coming in2 work 2day_."

There's a text seconds later from Jo, "_Dean, whats wrong?"_

"_Jo, stop pushing. just not now…_"

"_Dean, im worried about u. u ran off last nite and we havent seen u since. is everything ok?"_

Dean rolls his eyes, internally scoffing as his fingers type his reply, "_Im ok, i just need a few days, alright? im figuring things out b4 im coming back in2 work. besides… i still have 2 get rid of some of ben's stuff- ill text u when i want 2 talk. srry._"

Dean's phone buzzes angrily again, but he chooses to ignore it, padding around the wooden floors and settling down on the couch. It's so easy to dismiss people when they have to talk to you over a phone. There's more vibrating from Dean's cell, causing him to get frustrated. He gets up from his couch that's seen better days than this to his phone, seeing Jo calling again.

He picks up, voice hissing, "Jo- I told you, I'll talk when I want to-"

"_This isn't Jo._"

The voice causes Dean to stop and deflate immediately, "Cas? …"

"_Hello, Dean._" there's a small awkward pause on the other line, "_How are you feeling today?"_

There's a small tone shift through the speaker, one Dean recognizes but leaves unsaid, instead clearing his throat and hoping his voice doesn't betray him as he speaks quietly, "I'm doing alright… You?"

Castiel seems surprised, "_Oh- I'm just here at the store with Jo and Ash… They're umm- worried about you, Dean. So am I._"

"Cas- there's nothing to worry about, I'm fine. I'm just not coming into work today, I've got… stuff to sort out."

"_If this has to do anything with me kissing you last night, I apologize. Normally I'm not so direct with my romantic expeditions or exertions, but it seems I might have overstepped myself previously with you. For that, I am sorry._"

Dean swallows, a little grateful to now that Cas can't seem him right now because if he did, he would easily notice the flush beginning to paint his skin alongside faint freckles, "Well uh- thanks for that Cas, but it's not that at all. I'm not upset over the kiss really just… I told you I'm not ready for something like that yet you know? I've got baggage."

There's another pause, "_I don't find that repelling, Dean. I've found that the people with more emotional differences are more so of a person than someone without them. Yet, I understand if there's some hesitancy on your part for entering something such as a romantic or sexual relationship._"

Dean spits out some of the coffee he had been drinking into the open air in front of him, cursing to himself as it lands on the floor in a misted arrangement, "Whoa Cas- a little direct there, buddy?"

"_I've been known to be straightforward in some things._"

"Yeah, I wonder why they thought that." Dean cleans up some of the spit-out coffee from the floor, "Hey Cas?"

"_Yes, Dean?"_

The man sighs, sitting down onto the carpet and furrowing his forehead, "I want you to know that none of this- what I'm going through- is your fault. Not a single bit, okay? I'm just dealing with some shit and I'm trying to get through it. Your kiss last night, well it was awesome and I enjoyed it- but I just got dumped man, on the spot… I need a little time before I can just back into the water."

Cas seems to say something off to the side, "_Is there anything I can do?"_

"Unless you can either fix or rewrite the past, then no. There's nothing you can do, Cas. Look- I've got to go so-"

"_Dean._"

"Cas, I've got stuff to do okay? There's things I have in my life that are more important than telling people if I'm okay over the phone. You need to get back to work and I need to get back to… well,_ life._ I'm sorry, but I'll be back when I'm ready, alright?"

Cas seems a little solemn as he replies softly, "_I completely understand, Dean. I wish you luck. We'll see you later…_"

Dean looks out of the window overlooking the front of his house, one hand resting on the edge of the cool sink, eyes trailing up the sides of the Impala resting outside in the driveway, "Yeah, thanks. Bye Cas."

"_Goodbye, Dean._"

The conversation ends, the line going dead against Dean's ear with the electronic monotonic sound of a digital disconnection. He removes his phone from his face and notices that he and Cas talked for about twenty minutes- when originally he was only going to take two or three to yell at Jo for not leaving him alone. Dean actually feels a little embarrassed at the fact he snapped on Cas when he thought it was Jo, guilt settling in his ever-building pile of 'neglected but noticed' emotions.

"You've got to get your life together, Dean Winchester…" he says to himself, setting his phone on the counter and letting his head hang for a second, "Right about now would be good…"

There's a sudden sound of tires in his gravel driveway, and he notices the car immediately. It's Ash's dented and rust-splotched 1993 Dodge Dakota that's a hunter-esque green with tan and camo lining the insides, and he's in the driver's seat and pushing on the breaks. Dean curses, rushing through his house and getting the empty beer bottles somewhere Ash can't seem them, hoping he doesn't look like he turned his blood into alcohol last night rather than just moping around his house. The knocking at the door matches the pounding of Dean's heart and skull, the man taking a deep breath as he pulls the door back to find Ash looking at him with a quirked brow.

"Hey Mr. Throwback, how's it goin'?" Ash walks in, a bag of something that smells delicious against Dean's tongue as he breathes it in.

"Could be a little better…" he pauses, "Ash- why are you here? Where's Jo and Cas?"

Ash smiles slightly at that, "Jo is busy right now and she's a little pissed at you if I'm honest- you know how she doesn't like getting blown off over texts one bit… And Cas? Well- I dunno. He seems unaffected, but I know it bothers him. Especially when he thinks no one can see him, dude looks down… Dean- why'd ya ditch him like that last night? When thing were just gettin' juicy between you two?"

"Well shit…" Dean says, then adds, "Look- I don't really want to talk about that right now, okay? I just got off the phone with him."

"Really? What did you say?"

Dean swallows, "We talked about last night and all- we already sorted it out. Everything's fine. Anyways… You never told me why you came, dude."

Ash shrugs, "I thought you needed some pep talk or a shoulder. I already know about Benny and last night with Cassie- Dean dude, you're off. Jo and I are really worried, and we don't want you to be throwing something like what you've got with Cassie away because you're scared or somethin'... We understand if you don't wanna jump into it yet- or things seem a little cloudy right now- but overcasts don't last forever! Come on Dean-o, give it a shot. What's the worst that can happen?"

"They can walk out on you…"

Ash starts to say something, but closes his mouth instead. He walks over and puts a reassuring hand on Dean's fallen shoulder. Dean's head looks up from where it was hanging, seeing Ash's eyes soften a fraction before he pulls him in for a quick, uncharacteristic hug. It shocks Dean more than anything- because Ash was never one for the chick flick moments. It's why they got along, they both had an abhorrent hate for emotional drawl- but for him to be doing this, giving Dean something stern to lean on as the ground shifted unpredictably under his feet… it was a comfort, to say at the least.

"Thanks, Ash."

"Don't mention it." he gets serious again, "No seriously- don't mention it. Jo would prolly skin me for it or somethin'."

Dean laughs despite himself, feeling a little lighter underneath the weight he's burdened with. He and Ash talk for a while, Dean finding out there was a cheeseburger in the bag for him and he gladly took it- and Dean realizes that Ash is a pretty good friend after all, not just a coworker. Dean thanks him profusely when Ash is leaving, and Ash just shrugs him off saying he would've done the same thing. Ash sits inside of Betsy- as Dean remembers the name of the guy's melon of a car- and just before he leaves, Dean stops him.

"Hey Ash-" when he perks up, Dean smiles and says, "maybe you do have a chance with Jo- if you showed more of this to her, you know? She'd like it."

Ash smiles, "So you do think I have a chance with her after all…"

"Only if you start showing you can care about stuff other than your mullet, car, and country music. If she sees that, I'm pretty sure she'll see something else in you."

Ash only grins more, "Thanks Dean."

And he's gone.

Dean is still smiling, happy at the fact he's gotten something done today other than being hungover. Maybe this wouldn't be too bad after all.

**…**

"_Weep for yourself my man, you'll never be what is in your heart. Weep little lion man, you're not as brave as you were at the start. Rate yourself and rake yourself, take all the courage you have left- wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head._"

Dean shakes himself awake again.

"_But it was not your fault but mine- but it was your heart on the line- I really fucked it up this time, didn't I my dear? Didn't I my…_"

The solo starts up as Dean nearly falls off onto his chair, hangover in full swing.

"_Tremble for yourself my man, you know that you have seen this all before. Tremble little lion man, you'll never settle any of your scores. Your grace is wasted in your face, your boldness stands alone among the wreck. Now learn from your mother or you'll spend the rest of your days biting your own neck._"

Dean hits the alarm button again, "Fucking piece of shit… I didn't even set it…"

"That's because I did."

Dean jumps and turns around, Cas standing there with Jo behind him nearby with a grocery bag full of empty beer bottles. Dean's petrified for a moment. Is he dreaming? Did he do drugs somehow? Did Ash put something in his burger? Is this a weird version of Hell and somehow he died? Dean's throat and mouth go dry at the sight of pain on their faces.

"What are you guys doing here? …" Dean barely manages.

Cas looks at the purplish bags underneath Dean's eyes critically, "We're checking up on you. Ash said he visited and that you guys talked but- Dean… Why did you do get drunk again?"

"Yeah Dean-" Jo snarks, holding up the bag, bottles clinking in the air, "Life too much for ya? Can't handle it so you turn to a bottle? Fucking pathetic."

Dean takes a step back, "What the hell, Jo?"

"She's right Dean. It is pathetic. It's nothing_ but_ pathetic. I look at you now and I see why you ran- I can see how damaged you are. You were right when you said you had baggage."

Dean starts to walk backwards, Jo and Cas going forward a step each time he takes one the other direction, "Guys- what the fuck is going on with you!?"

"What's going on with you Dean Winchester?" Jo starts, Cas joining in with, "Can't you see how miserable you are- how much you ruined my life?"

Cas and Jo start walking side by side, faces nonchalant and voices monotonic and synced, all going to a low baritone, "Why were you even born? What's the point of keeping you when you're nothing but dead weight to me?"

Dean falls over something, his back meeting the floor as Cas and Jo morph into someone Dean hasn't seen in years- someone who terrified him beyond belief- and Dean raises his hand to protect himself when he sees how small they are. The room has shifted into his old house, the Christmas tree barely lit by the dying fire as John raises his hand up to bring it down on Dean.

"Nothing but a worthless piece of shit!" he yells, and for some reason Dean is praying that Sam won't walk out or hear it, "I should have gave you up when I had the chance to! Now I'm stuck with you and that other worthless son of a bitch!"

"Don't call Sammy that!"

Dean's voice is small, and it gets even tinier as John rears his head- nostrils flaring as he smacks Dean again. His child-self cries, feeling the harsh sting of his father's hand against his cheek.

"I wish you never existed. You disgust me, I fucking hate you. What's the point of even having this damn holiday if you don't even deserve it for being so disobedient- I'm your father, lord help me for that fact, and you're supposed to adhere to my every word like gospel. Now pick yourself up off the floor and stop crying like a bitch, you're ruining my buzz already."

Dean can't help it, he just keeps crying, and crying. It does nothing but anger John, and the man picks up the iron rod he left sitting in the fireplace to tend to the searing logs up, the end nearly white hot as he closes in the distance between himself and Dean. He gets closer and closer, the metal smoking with its heat as Dean watches it with tear-blurred eyes and he keeps on crying- now screaming as John grabs a hold of him and presses it to his skin.

Dean wakes up screaming then, hands buried deep within their grip on the sheets, making them turn an icy white. His breath rushes in and out over his chapped and cracked lips, his tongue making them sting as it ghosts over to somehow calm himself down. There's tears lining his cheeks and rolling down his neck, his throat sore as he tries to swallow and it comes out a strangled sob. He stutters on his intakes a few more times, brain feeling close to something like a panic attack as the images of John and his weapon of choice establish themselves. He pulls the sheet back on his leg, putting a finger over a small line that's indented into the flesh. It's old and completely head physically, but as Dean tries to control his breathing he realizes it's nowhere close on the mental level.

"F-Fuck…" he shakes out, muscles trembling as he reaches for his phone.

"_Dean? Is something wrong?"_

It's Jo, of course, but that's not who Dean needs right now, "C-Can you put C-Cas on the phone?"

She whispers something to someone, the phone moving over and immediately Dean feels something close to relief as he hears the gravelly voice say, "_Dean?"_

"Cas… I- I need you over here…" Dean rocks back and forth on the mattress, "Do you think you could manage-"

"_I'm already on my way- Jo told me your address. Do I need to pick anything up?"_

Dean smiles, a few tears still falling, "I don't know… I'm just waiting till you get here I guess…"

There's a sound of a grocery store door opening, a small ding going off from the speaker, "_I'm bringing ice cream and chocolate- and what movie do you want me to bring?"_

Dean's mouth stretches farther, "I don't mind. I wasn't expecting you to do that for me… Thank you."

"_It's alright Dean, it sounds like you need a pick-me-up. How does 'Two Brothers' sound? It's some movie about tigers…_"

"Sounds good. Bring it along." Dean pauses, "Thanks Cas… for doing this, after I told you to basically fuck off…"

Dean can hear Cas checking out, and then he quietly replies, "_It's okay Dean, I don't think you were saying that at all. I think you were just trying to figure things out and you needed space to think about it properly. I'm just glad I can help. I'll text you when I get there, I can't multitask and drive- I've already tested this previously and it has not fared well for me._"

"That's fine, I'll be waiting."

Dean thanks Cas one more time before hanging up, and then he's rushing around his house to clean it. He turns his iPod on shuffle when he places his cell in his pocket, going to the kitchen and beginning to clear away all of the debris from past food articles and whatever had thrown around. Dean hears the song play from his bedroom not too far away, his throat vibrating as he hums along quietly.

"_You hit the drink, you take a toke- watch the past go up in smoke. You fake a smile, lie and say you're better now than ever and your life's okay- but it's not. No- you're doing all these things out of desperation. Oh- you're going through six degrees of separation._"

Dean scrubs away as his head slowly zones in on the song.

"_First: you think the worst is a broken heart, what's gonna kill you is the second part- and the third, is when your world splits down the middle. Fourth: you gonna think that you fixed yourself. Fifth: you see them out with someone else, and the six is, when you admit that you may have fucked up a little._"

Dean pauses as he scrubs, biting his lower lip and thinking about Benny. He really tried in that relationship, hadn't he? It wasn't just Benny holding the weight of everything and still giving- Dean did his fair share. He'd cook for him, he'd get him little surprise gifts from the shop, sometimes even take him out to dinner. Sure, he held out on sex- but that was for valid reasons. He'd let Benny kiss him, share the bed with him- other than that what more could he have given to the guy? His soul? Last time Dean checked it was either illegal or impossible, he's sure that's it's probably the latter.

"_No no there ain't no help- it's every man for himself._"

Dean gives a strangled laugh mixed in with a cry at the words. It's true isn't it?

There's a buzzing in Dean's pocket and he manages to look up in time through his kitchen window to see Cas pulling up. He curses, rushing into his room and turning off the music, going through the rooms quickly and just shoving things in places as there's a knock on the door.

This is it boys and girls:_ show time._

Dean pulls back the door, hoping his eyes aren't too puffy and it's obvious he's been crying, "Hey Cas…"

He's looking at Dean carefully, as if he's fine china and someone's about to drop him, grocery bags hang from his arms as he crosses the threshold, "Hello, Dean. I hope you don't mind chocolate-chip cookie dough- it's all they had left."

Dean smiles, "No, that's fine. Turns out that's my favorite flavor…"

They sit down on the couch after they fix themselves a bowl, Dean with three scoops and Cas with a single, lone one. Dean eats his sloppily, not caring at the fact he's on the verge of brainfreeze because dammit he really hasn't eaten much today and ice cream is his utter weakness. He only stops when there's no more in the bowl and when he notices Cas is smiling warmly at him.

"What?" Dean's reply is weird because he still has a spoonful in his mouth that's melting.

"Nothing just- here." Cas reaches across the distance between them, his finger brushing Dean's face, causing Dean to have his breath catch in his throat and blush to rise up his skin, especially when Cas pops his finger (which had ice cream on it) into his mouth to pull it out and say, "It's a little sweeter than I remembered it to be."

Dean struggles to swallow and reply, "I-Is that a good thing?"

Cas smiles again, nodding, "It is. Means it's better this time around."

Dean starts to return the facial expression, but it falls quickly. Cas notices, and he scoots up closer to Dean as the few seconds of silence pass.

You know those moments you have before you start to cry? How your throat closes up and you struggle to breathe- to even think? You feel like everything's coming down on this one moment, it's all pinpointed to these precious milliseconds that are passing before your eyes? Then you just break? Like a damn giving way- and all this water just comes rushing in that you wish wasn't there, or that it had just been able to handle the weight? And you're drowning, and there's nothing other than the current that's sweeping you under and it just feels like too much? And it all starts over one, broken breath?

Yeah- that's what is happening now.

Dean can't stop it as it starts as one tear, and then they quickly grow in number and size. Soon he can't see anymore as he barrels into Cas' shirt, feeling the chest against his tear-dampened face as he sobs it out. He cries over John, cries over those memories of him, cries over Sammy, cries over Benny, cries over how he's reverting to the drink like his good-for-nothing-father and how he's failed everyone, cries over disappointing Ash and Jo. It's a long list, one Dean just wishes didn't exist as he clutches onto the shirt Cas is wearing, the man's arms encircling him as he rubs into the strained muscles on Dean's back.

"F-Fuck Cas…" Dean sobs, voice breaking and shifting in tone like the ocean waves during a tide, "I'm s-so sorry…"

"For what, Dean?"

"F-For leaving you last n-night…" Dean keeps his face hidden away among the strands of woven fabric, "I s-shouldn't have b-but I did and I'm sure that I've f-fucked this up royally and I'm so sorry…"

Cas pulls Dean's head back and smiles, brushing away a few stray tears, "You didn't do anything wrong and you didn't mess this up. Dean- I don't think you could ever make me leave you, even if you tried."

As if to assure Dean of this, Cas slowly pulls their faces up and puts their lips together softly, and it's over in seconds. Dean's breath comes back to him, he feels the ground somehow stop shifting under his feet and the room still from where it was spinning. Dean sighs, the tears slowing down as he rests his face in the crook of Cas' neck, breathing in the smell of linen and hints of cologne.

"Please don't go… ever…" Dean whispers.

He almost thinks that he was too quiet, that Cas didn't hear him when a soft reply reaches his ears, "I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

**Songs: _**

**1. Everybody Hurts - REM **  
**( watch?v=S2N_uvnvGbI)**

**2. Little Lion Man - Mumford and Sons**  
**( watch?v=ZKEIt9tAXt4)**

**3. Six Degrees of Separation - The Script**  
**( watch?v=rUuDWYQeloc)**


	3. This Is My Rubik's Cube

****Author's Note: _**

**Sorry I haven't updated in so long- I had all these tests and shite to make up and it took up most of my time. :(**

**Quick note- if you're here for smut, or straight up sex, this fic isn't for you. I actually don't plan on having them actually do anything like that. Some things will be close- but not exact. Dean's got issues, and you guys need to know that they just can't be resolved by Cas loving him. Sure, it'd be nice to just have it instantly go swell- but life isn't like that, and this story isn't going to be either. Dean needs time to heal and fix things he had happen to himself, and sex just really isn't a his top of 'to do's' right now. It's mostly going to be sweet, and it'll more than likely be super fluff and a little bit of sexual-esque things. **

**So in turn, if you're here for sex, THIS FIC ISN'T FOR YOU.**

**It's mostly rated M for past recollections of John and his actions towards Dean, and the fact that Dean's got some mental issues and it causes triggers.**

**So there you go- rant over.**

**Songs are at the bottom w/ links like always! Also- if you can play the 3rd song around the (x) marked on the story, that'd be fantastic. Thanks!~**

**ENJOY!~**

* * *

Dean Winchester sits on his couch, Cas nearby and still watching him carefully, and everything is just as confusing as before.

Dean doesn't know when in life he ever got the grace of having a positive relationship. Not always romantic, mind you- but ones that counted. Like the one with John that was fucked six ways to Sunday and back, or how Sam's was mostly made of lies and covering up bruises with fabric and excuses. Throughout all those years, none of the connections Dean really formed were important. Sure- Ash and Jo were pretty cool- but Dean couldn't rely on them like he wanted to. He just… well he couldn't, no matter what he wanted.

Besides, Jo wasn't much of a listener when it came to problems- she was more of a solver. If she has something thrown her way, she'd stand up to the occasion and fix it. Ash… well it's Ash, enough said.

Even when Dean had Benny he had no one to talk to- no one to listen to all of his history or to take in his wounds and try to fix him. He'd loved Benny- he did- but that man never seemed like he would take the time out of his life to try and help Dean out of whatever he'd been stuck in as a child. Him leaving so abruptly was proof of that directly.

"_Your fingertips across my skin, palm trees swayin' in the wind. Images…_" the song laments from somewhere outside Dean's house- maybe someone's car, "_You sang me Spanish lullabies, the sweetest silence in your eyes. Clever trick._"

Benny had never really tried, had he?

"_I never wanna see you unhappy. I thought you'd want the same for me._"

No- he didn't.

"_Goodbye my almost-lover, goodbye my hopeless dream. I'm tryin' not to think about you, can't you just let me be? So long my luckless romance- my back is turned on you. Should've known you'd bring me heartache, almost-lovers always do._"

No, he'd just looked at Dean and that's all he did.

When you look at people, you can sometimes think they're about as deep as their surface- but that's not true. Everyone's more like the ocean. Seemingly calm on surface, flat- but once you get underneath its cover, you'll see it in a different life. There's currents, there's so much depth that you can't fathom ever reaching the bottom. Initially, an abyss.

That's what Benny did to Dean. He only saw the cover instead of looking in the contents.

"_So you're gone and I'm haunted- and I bet that you are just fine… Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?"_

So it doesn't matter, now that Benny's gone and Dean's still here. When someone leaves you, you've got to pick up the pieces and stick yourself together. There's no knight in shining armor, there's no magic to reverse time or mistakes- there's nothing Dean can do but try and move on.

And maybe… maybe that's with Cas.

"Y-You're not leaving like the rest of them?"

Cas shakes his head, surprise in his azure irises, "Of course not! Why would I?"

"I don't know, just seemed like a really popular trend or something…"

The movie plays in the background, completely forgotten as Cas grabs Dean's hand within his own, tracing over the ridges and folds of skin gently with a finger as if it were art and Dean was a masterpiece, "I can tell you now Dean, I'm not one for following social media or what they prefer. I do what I want- and that is Dean, being with you. Even if you don't want me romantically, I can understand that- and I won't push. But Dean, I just can't leave you if I tried. If there's anyone I'd rather be with for the rest of my life- it's you. I don't know why yet, or how it happened, but I just understand that you're a part of my life now, Dean, and that's absolutely perfect."

Dean doesn't know how to say it- what to say, actually.

"I've never- in my life, met someone as amazing as you Dean Winchester."

Dean gives a tight smile, "You make me sound like I'm some type of miracle or something."

Cas smiles, "Yeah, that's because you are."

Dean only blushes, fingers playing with the hem of his shirt.

The music outside ends, the room their inside of falling into an even deeper silence. Cas goes into the kitchen with their bowls, setting them inside the kitchen sink while Dean just sits there trying to figure out what to do with himself.

"Dean…" Cas' voice is gentle as he sits down again, his eyes training on Dean's, "What's been going on?"

Dean bits his lower lip, voice wavering, joints in his neck tightening as his fear peaks, "It's not that easy, Cas."

The man nods, "I understand… I just want to know if I can help. If you need me, then I'm here."

"You know I'm not going to be something instant right? I take time- and if you're expecting me to just open up and pour it all out then you're mistaken."

"I don't mind- I'll wait."

Dean smiles slightly, "Where have you been all my life, Cas?"

The other man smiles, softly shrugging, "Lost and floating around till I found you."

Dean smiles- because seriously, how in the hell in all this time of his mistakes, his nightmares, his shit awful luck, did he ever get some type of gospel or rank to receive the likeness of someone like Cas. It's irrational, because nowhere along those lines of his past lies a single event or anything that can give him this. Someone that cares; someone that actually gives a shit about him for once. Sure he's had Sammy- but he's family, it's expected- and Jo and Ash are up there too… It's just they've been more of a 'cool coworker friend' label. They've never really pried into Dean's life and he's been okay with that. They leave things at the surface level and it's perfectly fine that way.

"_She'll lie and steal and cheat- and beg you from her knees. Make you think she means it this time." another song plays outside, "She'll tear a hole in you, the one you can't repair. But I still love her and I don't care. When we were young- oh, we did enough. When it got cold- oh, we bundled up. I can't be told- ah, it can't be done._ "

He's never really belonged anywhere, or never really found a place where he exactly fit. Like a round peg in a world full of square holes; the single puzzle piece in the wrong box. Dean's never really had a place to call home- to say that he truly felt like he was wanted, but as those blue eyes soften against his own Dean starts to believe that maybe he'll get a chance of finding somewhere to call his own.

"_It's better to feel pain, than nothing at all. The opposite of love's indifference. Pay attention now, I'm standin' on your porch screamin' out, and I won't leave until you come downstairs. So keep your head up, keep your love. So keep your head up, my love_."

So maybe things didn't work out right- and maybe things didn't start out right either- but Dean's deserves to at least get a second shot at being happy or something. If life's got a problem with that- well it can go fuck itself.

"_And I don't blame you dear, for runnin' like you did all those years- I would do the same, you best believe._" the songs keeps playing, "_The highways say we're closed, but I don't read those things anymore- I never trusted my own eyes_."

The music stops abruptly when Dean reaches a conclusion.

"Move in with me." he blurts.

"Isn't that a little sudden?" Cas jokes, "We just met like- two days ago or so."

Dean rolls his eyes, "Coming from the man who kissed me on that day."

Cas snickers, "Alright- I guess that I'm a hypocrite then. But I accept."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that."

"Huh…" Dean trails off.

Cas quirks a brow towards the man, "What is it?"

Dean chuckles, and then laughs, "Nothing just- we really did jump the gun and stuff… But the real reason is that I thought you'd decline…"

"How could I deny you?"

Dean grins softly, "You may regret that later."

"I don't think I ever will."

Dean just blinks, shuffling on the old couch and feeling his throat go dry, "Why do you make me feel like a princess or something and that I'm living a fairytale?"

Cas snorts, "Because I guess you'd look pretty sexy in nothing but a tiara."

"I-"

Cas laughs and Dean blushes. He's never even owned a tiara- thank you very fucking much.

"Come on… You want something to eat, other than ice cream?"

"Yeah- sure. Though I don't have much to work with- sorry…"

Csa shrugs, "That's alright. I can work through a pinch."

They head to the kitchen, Dean sitting at the small island-like table he bought with a few stools as an anniversary present to Benny so he could cook some more at home and practice making certain dishes. It never got used much; only as a place to set car keys or mail when you first came home.

"Ramen it is then…" Cas mutters, seeing the cabinets barren minus the small package of dry noodles and flavor packets like a college student stored them there.

"I told you- I didn't have much."

Cas smiles, "It's okay. When can go to the store together later."

It's when the pot is set on the eye of the stove to boil the water it contains that Cas turns to Dean. He's sitting in one of the chairs, one foot sitting on the wooden bar underneath and the other swinging lazily as it hangs. Cas sits next to Dean, smiling when Dean fidgets.

"Better, are we?"

"Slightly. I have my new roommate to thank for that, now."

Cas smiles, fingers dancing together like drunken teenagers at a late party on a Friday night, "You're welcome. When is the best time for me to get my things and bring them over?"

Dean shrugs, eyeing the slight steam forming above the stove, "Whenever works for you… I'm guessing when I got into work tomorrow."

"Alright…" Cas pauses beside Dean, "You want to establish rules now?"

"There's not many to be drawn up… I guess there should be one that should never be broken."

"And that is?"

Dean smiles, "Always make sure our fridge and kitchen is fully stocked."

Castiel laughs wholeheartedly, "Noted. Anything else I should know about? Like the taboos of Dean Winchester?"

"Well umm…" Dean shifts in his seat, figuring out how in the fuck he is supposed to say this right without sounding strange, "I always sleep in clothes- would shower in them if I had to… I- I have some things I'd like to stay under wraps. Literally."

"I understand. I'd like to add one- if you don't mind."

Dean looks down at the table top, "Shoot, dude."

"Promise me that you'll tell me when things get too much- and I'm not saying that you have to tell me what it is exactly- just… I know that sometimes the weight of the world can be too much, that your shoulders can't keep up with the strain, and that you feel like you're getting buried alive and you just want to breathe… So basically, I'm saying if you need someone to help let that burden slide off your mind- I'm here."

"Thanks, Cas… really." Dean's voice sounds small, broken.

An arm snakes around his waist and pulls him closer to Cas, and he finds a deep breath rolling off of his tongue that he hadn't known he was holding. Cas' hand rubs slowly, carefully along his back and Dean just takes the small second to let the worries of his past and life slip away into nothing for a moment. Maybe that's all he needs- a moment to just be free of this pressure that's threatening to break him in, trying to bend him till he's distorted, waiting till he gives.

"I'd let you stay here on my shoulder, but I'm afraid our water is ready."

Dean nods, sliding off of Cas and letting him go to the stove once more, "That's okay. Thanks."

"You're welcome, Dean."

Dean nods, then pads to his bedroom. He hadn't realized until then that he got ice cream on his shirt- and the only thing that announced its existence was the sticky feeling lingering on Dean's torso and fingertips. He goes to his dresser, a mirror on the top of it showing Dean himself as he takes off the tee to get a new one. He pauses, staring at the pale marks on his skin. Bumps, ridges, lines that run across his flesh to remind Dean of all the things that John left him with. Whether it's physical or mental scarring is debateable as Dean runs a shaking finger down the uncharacteristic texture of scar tissue.

"Dean?"

Dean quickly grabs a shirt from the dresser, shoving it on over his head as Castiel walk in and immediately looks away, "Oh- sorry! I didn't know! I didn't see anything so don't worry."

Dean takes a breath, noticing that Cas shuts his eyes tightly and isn't opening them, "Cas- it's okay. Just, we'll get there eventually. What is it, though?"

"I just wanted to ask if you wanted seasoning on your noodles or not." Cas seems to even be holding his breath.

"Seasoning is fine… Cas- I said it was alright to open your eyes. I've got a shirt on now."

The man opens his eyes and gives out a sigh of relief when he sees the cloth on Dean's skin, "It's inside out and backwards, Dean."

Dean just shrugs, "I was in a hurry and I don't make my laundry look like someone with OCD would."

Cas chuckles lightly, "Alright- they'll be done in a few minutes. In the mean time, fix your shirt and get ready for the best impromptu noodles of your life."

"Okay-" Dean laughs as Cas begins to shut the door, "I will."

And the door shuts.

As soon as Dean is sure Cas is no where near the door, he locks it and rips off his shirt. He needed to figure out a new system, because this obviously won't work. Dean sighs, leaning against his dresser and taking a quick but dangerous glance at his reflection one last time.

The man just quickly shoves his shirt on- this time it being the correct way- and stepping out of the room. Cas is placing the noodles in a bowl and grinning when he sees Dean.

"They just got done."

Dean smiles, "Good, I'm starving."

**…**

It's after they ate, Dean commenting on how good it was even for being a dollar pack of noodles. For Cas, he's just happy and content. They're lying on the couch, Dean on top of Cas and leaning on his chest as Castiel stares at the ceiling.

"I think I can tell you a little…" Dean comments impassively.

"Really?"

Dean nods, "I'm going to try… If you're going to take time out of your life to try and fix me I guess I should put some effort in myself… Are you okay with that?"

Cas' brows furrow, "Why would I be upset? You opening up is what we're aiming for, there's nothing wrong with that."

Dean waits a little bit, fingers tightening around Cas' shirt as he begins, "When my father was all Sammy and I had left, he used to get really drunk- all the time. He wasn't the kind one either. If you looked at him wrong he'd just walk right up and hit you- no questions asked. He and his drinking buddies- they were awful fucking people- would come over and hang out all the time. I spent most of my childhood being a waiter, bringing in full beers and taking away the empty ones." to add a slight bit of humor, Dean adds, "Never got tipped either."

Cas just watches Dean.

"It probably started when I was five or six- I don't remember exactly, I blocked it out- my father started getting physical with me."

Dean doesn't realize he's shaking until Cas is brushing his face gently with fingertips and asking, "Do you think you can keep going?"

Dean only nods, "John would turn to me like a punching bag, and I'd just take the blows and let them come because I knew it was either Sammy or me and it's obvious who won out. I've forgotten how many nights I had to lie to him about my bruises and cuts because I didn't want him knowing about what John did. It was always: 'I fell' or 'I had to do yard work today and the bushes aren't exactly soft' and even 'I lost my grip when climbing the oak out front'. I don't know if he ever put two and two together- but he never mentioned anything other than the fact I needed to learn how to now be clumsy or something."

"So Sam doesn't know- not even now?"

"No, he doesn't. I'm planning on keeping it that way for the longest time."

Cas speaks quietly, "Why is that?"

Dean shrugs, "It'd kill him."

Going by the look on Cas' face he doesn't seem to think that's the right answer, "Look Cas- Sammy's got a lot going on. He's got Harvard and Jess, and that alone is enough. I don't want him throwing away his relationship and college degree for his older brother for taking a few hits for him every now and then."

"But it was more than that- wasn't it?"

Dean stills on top of Cas, those blue eyes look pained and worried as the silence wears on, only to be ended by Dean giving out a small, "Yeah…"

"Do you want to talk about it or wait?"

"No- I need to get this out now," Dean's tongue nearly catches on the roof of his mouth because it's so dry, "or don't think I ever will."

Cas nods, Dean resting on his chest again, his heart beating in his ear and telling him somehow within its rhythm that it's okay, "I don't remember much but… last night- the reason why I called up the store in a fit of panic- was because the memories came back… It was some night, and John was drunk, and out of nowhere he just got angry- and- and-"

"Dean-"

"No Cas-" Dean just holds onto him tighter, letting those tears fall like his words, "I'm going to get this off of my chest… He was mad- and he kept yelling and hitting me, and when I wouldn't s-stop crying like he told me to he took the fire poker and burned me with it…"

Cas goes rigid against Dean, holding onto him tightly, as if the world were about to collapse and somehow his arms could brace the weight off of Dean if he tried hard enough. He presses his lips to the top of Dean's head, whispering comforting things and trying so hard to stop the tears streaming down Dean's face.

"That's why you don't want anyone to see you without something covering you up…" Cas pulls Dean's head up by the jaw, fingers gentle and words more so, "You thought they'd be scared of them."

"Or disgusted…"

"I'm not- not at all."

(x)

Dean smiles through the tears, a laugh coming out as a sob, and he just decides then that Cas is absolutely perfect and no one else can ever be like him. The damaged man presses his lips against Cas', it's soft and nice- a tear even getting between their lips and making it taste salty.

"Dean…" Cas says quietly, sitting up a little straighter against the arm of the couch, Dean sitting in his lap and following his lips as he shuffles.

Dean goes to the crook of Cas' neck as he breaths in Castiel's scent, body relaxing as Cas keeps kissing his face over and over, hands brushing against his arms and neck from where tears have drifted. Dean pulls up after a few minutes, those blue eyes warmly lit and those chapped lips flushed from pressing against his skin.

"I want to let you in, Cas."

Cas is about to ask what that means when Dean picks up his hand, slowly bringing it up and watching Cas' eyes train on Dean's grip on his wrist. Dean places it near the hollow of his neck, Cas just staring as Dean slowly moves it down across his still shirt-covered skin, drifting lower and lower till it stops over the middle of Dean's chest.

"I can feel your heartbeat…" Cas whispers, eyes never leaving his fingers spread over Dean's frame.

"Really?"

Cas nods, "It's amazing…"

Dean smiles, feeling Cas' fingers press further onto the skin, as if he pushed enough he'd be able to actually touch Dean's heart or something- but he did, and not in the physical way. Dean lowers their hands, ghosting over his stomach before they're at his waist.

"Are you sure Dean?"

He nods, "Yeah- I am."

Dean is hesitant for second, but lets himself move Cas' hand up the hem of his shirt. Cas' fingers are cool against his skin, their pads gently gliding over and taking in the sensations. Cas just watches as Dean braces an arm against him, his stomach coiling a little at the fact this is the most physical he's even gotten with someone in years.

"Good?"

Dean shakes his head to reassure Cas, his guidance stopping as Cas nears his collarbone. They look at each other in the eyes; blue against green; perfect against damaged. Dean feels like he's peeled off his skin, that Cas can see everything that he is- that he's been molded into. Like Cas can see all of the things John's down by the bumps and abnormalities under his finger pads, and he can just tell how fucked up Dean is. How worthless and deformed he is from being someone's venting tool whenever things got too much for them.

Cas waits, doesn't move his hand at all unless Dean makes him. Dean's in control, and Cas is letting him map out his body under cloth, completely resigned and fascinated by the trust being bestowed upon him. Seriously- when did Dean ever earn such loyalty and devotion?

"Wait."

Cas is about to yank his hand back when Dean's fingers curl around his wrist once more. Dean can't look him in the eye- not yet, not when he's so scared about what he's going to do- and he let's Cas place it back on his chest. He relaxes his arm as much as he can, Cas letting Dean take his time, hand still on his hidden flesh. It's only when Dean starts moving that Cas knows what he's doing.

Dean picks up the hem of his shirt, slowly pulling it off of himself. His fear increases like the number of inches of his exposed skin- the one he's been hiding from for so long. Cas just sits there, hand unmoving as Dean slips the fabric off his shoulders to rest behind him on the couch.

Here he is- Dean Winchester- shirtless for the first time in front of someone in nearly ten years.

Cas' eyes look at Dean's, and they're not even looking at his body, "Only if you want me to."

Like Dean's thought before- perfect.

"You can just- I'll tell you when I had enough…"

"I won't move my hand either- unless you guide it or tell me otherwise."

Dean nods, and he watches as Cas' eyes slowly dip down. First, he glances at Dean's chest, where his hand is still sitting contently above the hammering organ that might burst out before this is even over. Cas takes a few more minutes on it, taking in every small detail before he dips even lower to Dean's stomach.

Dean's sure he's disgusted now, considering he can see all the marks and scars- can see how fucked up Dean really is now that his past is figuratively in the spotlight. Dean just closes his eyes and takes deep breaths, hoping that maybe he can calm his heart from beating itself to death and from throwing up. Instead of Cas getting repulsed and deterred, he just comes up and kisses Dean softly on the lips.

"You're beautiful."

Dean opens his eyes, "How can I be? I'm damaged…"

"It's true that you have a few nicks here and there…" Cas smiles lightly, lips ghosting over Dean's once more, "but I think you're perfect anyways…"

Despite how Dean's feeling mentally, he gives a laugh- a soft one on the edge of tears, and Cas, the amazing person that he is, just grins like an idiot and kisses Dean's jaw line. Dean takes Cas' hand and places it on his hip gently, his mouth meeting Castiel's another time and the other man just lets him take the reigns.

"You can move your hand if you want- just… go slow, okay?"

Cas nods, and his fingers dance up Dean's spine as their lips press and teeth pull, Cas' hand coming to rest on Dean's bare shoulder.

Cas suddenly pulls away, voice cautious, "Can I kiss them?"

Dean pauses in shock, "What? …"

"Your scars… Can I kiss them?"

Dean's just speechless.

Cas watches Dean, waiting.

All Dean can manage is a nod.

Cas smiles warmly, and his face goes to the light line going over Dean's shoulder- the one that still has the grasp of Cas' hand on it. Cas' lips press against the marked skin, over and over the line, up and down until every inch of it has had Castiel's mouth on it. Dean just watches, hands on Cas' waist as he goes a little lower to a small-ish circular dip in Dean's torso. Cas looks up, eyebrows scrunched.

"It was a lit cigarette…"

Immediately Cas kisses it, light and soft, and Dean just can't help but think again how unworthy he is to deserve any of this. This god-like worship from a man who literally just walked in and saved him. From a man he met a few days ago, and how he's now letting Dean show him his scars and past life and it's just so overwhelming.

When did his life become something like this? When did it shift to him opening up to someone who seemed unreal with how amazing he was? It staggers Dean's mind as Cas kisses a set of peppered marks made from a broken beer bottle, his hand still unmoved from Dean's shoulder, and it grips him tight. Cas looks up, pausing to check and see if Dean's alright, and he notices how hard Dean is breathing and how fast his heart is beating- and he stops. He just lifts his head up and kisses Dean's cheek softly.

"We can stop if you're too uncomfortable. It's your call."

Dean nods, his lungs feeling like they're about to suck themselves completely shut to where it's permanent, "I think I need a little more time…"

"I can wait." Cas says simply, "Take as long as you need, I'll still be here."

Seriously- _fucking unrealistically perfect._

* * *

**Songs (ch.3): _**

**1. Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy**  
**( watch?v=39sC_7yfKFg)**

**2. Stubborn Love - The Lumineers**  
**( watch?v=VGewQB3mDv4)**

**** 3. Rubik's Cube - Athlete**  
**( watch?v=2TigHAH3oKA)**


End file.
